So Here's the Thing... by Alyssa Mastromonaco
Title: So Here’s the Thing… Notes on Growing Up, Getting Older, and Trusting Your Gut
Author: Alyssa Mastromonaco, with Lauren Oyler
Published: 2019
Type: Non-Fiction
Pages: 225
But the point is that things change, times change, and you will change. A shift in perspective is almost always a good thing.
In Brief:
I really wanted to like this book. Alyssa’s first one was genuinely, hugely instrumental to my career thus far, and I want to be her when I grow up. Unfortunately, it felt pretty rushed and directionless, more forced and lacking her usual charm/wisdom.
Rating: 3.6
Synopsis:
A very short summary: Alyssa Mastromonaco (former Deputy Chief of Staff for Barack Obama) writes a collection of essays, reflections, lists, and interviews on a range of subjects. These include: politics, career, friendship, family, dating, marriage, fertility, bodies, IBS, pop culture, education, and more!
Where I’m At:
This is perhaps one of the most heartbreaking reviews I’ll write.
I am a huge fan of Alyssa Mastromonaco. I think she is hilarious. I think she is brilliant. The podcast she co-hosts, Hysteria, is easily my favorite of the approximately 10,000 podcasts I listen to on a weekly basis. Her tweets about jam and weed are basically the only reason I still have the app.
And I’m not exaggerating when I say her first book might have changed my life. After I graduated college, I applied to over a hundred different positions, mostly in DC. Despite my impressive GPA at a top-tier university and delightful personality, I didn’t get a job at any of them. I eventually worked at a clean energy start-up answering phone calls from angry customers, and I hated it. Out of desperation (and bitterness towards a failed relationship), I applied to the Peace Corps, and left without really thinking about whether I was a good fit for the role or if I even really bought into the Peace Corps’s mission.
Turns out, I was not cut out to be a teacher, and not happy with the ineffective work I was doing. But, there were good things about my time in St. Vincent (speaking of which, please learn about the volcanic eruption currently happening there, and donate if you can), one of which was that I had a ton of time to read. Out of some kind of nostalgia/FOMO, I gravitated towards memoirs from former Obama officials, and found Alyssa’s first book, Who Thought This Was a Good Idea. I was immediately smitten.
I had always kind of assumed that to work in the government, to be influential and make a difference, you had to be trained in research, policy, law, etcetera. I could see myself doing those things but… I just didn’t really like them. I had this creeping certainty that I wouldn’t be happy, and I wouldn’t be great. And I want to be great. I also want to be happy.
So then here was Alyssa, who was just like… really, really competent. Good at planning things, at executing, at paying attention to details, following up. And she was a deputy chief of staff to Barack Obama. When she wrote about her job, I got excited. I knew those were things that I could do (with training and experience), that I could love doing, and that, in the right organization, could really make a difference. I told my friend (same failed relationship because of which I had left the country (this is mostly a joke)) that I wanted to pursue a career in Operations, and a couple of days later he sent me a job posting that ended up becoming my current job. I’m very happy here, and I’m learning a lot, and I can really seen it going towards my career.
But rewind! It didn’t even stop there! During my application process, while I was still in St. Vincent, I had a terrible interview with our Director of Ops, who happened to work with Alyssa in the White House. At the last minute, they changed it from a video call I could do on my computer to a cell phone call, when I didn’t have any service. I literally ran down the mountain late at night to find some kind of spotty reception for the interview, but I could barely understand her and gave my answers half-guessing at the questions. At the end, close to tears, I desperately plugged that I had read Alyssa’s book, and we chatted about that a bit. I still firmly believe I may not have gotten the job otherwise.
I recognize that all of this is a rant that makes me sound fairly obsessive. But we all have to have role models, right? And this post is actually just an excuse for an appreciation letter, disguised as a tepid book review.
Getting Into it:
I’ll tear the band-aid off: I was disappointed. This book was not as good as her first one. As I said up front, it just didn’t seem to have a clear point – not a memoir, not self-help, no throughline. Some sort of advice, knee-jerk relatability. The chapters seemed pretty haphazard/random. Some just meander, anecdotes end abruptly. I sometimes finished a chapter thinking ...huh? Though usually amused, I was confused about what the point was supposed to be. Then on to the next page, off on a totally unconnected tangent!
I think a part of the problem is that there wasn’t a clear sense of who the audience of the book is meant to be. Some of the life advice is pretty basic – about gossip, tampons, marijuana – and seems relevant perhaps most to high schoolers.
Still, I don’t think the project of destigmatizing periods is incompatible with acknowledging that they aren’t fun and that life would be a lot better if we didn’t have them. The point is that periods both suck and are an unavoidable part of life.
But then there are tons of cultural references to the 80s and 90s, that went way over my (decidedly non-high-schooler) head. It ended up feeling confusing, vague in a way that wouldn’t quite work for people really of any age.
There also tended to be a lot of filler – the stories that didn’t really go anywhere, chapters that didn’t really seem to have a point. There are also short snippets of interviews with other Obama officials and random lists of things like “Most Played Songs on my iPhone,” or “What’s on my Nightstand.” It’s not that I didn’t enjoy these things, they just felt pretty forced and off.
And yet! My love for Alyssa is undiminished. There were still a few kernels of wisdom, and many moments of relatability that gave me hope that I could one day be her friend (or, you know, also learn to handle my anxiety/have a successful career/life with the choices I currently expect to make). There were also a couple of anecdotes about working in Obama’s White House, which are just fun (but for more, see her first book).
Some advice!
(From an interview with Susan Rice)
“You need to be well prepared. Get an advanced degree (at least a master’s if you can). Travel abroad. Learn one or more foreign languages, Get some quantitative skills. Consider joining the Peace Corps. Test your limits, stretch yourself, get out of your comfort zone.
In a post-corporate era, things can be tricky; when offices are open concept and leadership can be murky, it makes collaboration more fluid and easier, but it’s also hard to figure out what to do to get to the next level. Doing your job doesn’t usually qualify you for a raise. Showing initiative and creativity does.”
I guess the biggest lesson I’ve learned from marriage, which is not something I ever thought I’d say, is that we all have our shit. We tell ourselves we’re crazy, which then makes talking about what’s upsetting us seem shameful. It isn’t. Anything that’s bothering you matters. But you shouldn’t torture the other person – who could quite possibly be an innocent bystander to your personal anxieties – by not saying anything about it.
You don’t need to be a mother to be a “complete” woman… Feeling unneeded is not a good reason to have a baby. Wanting something to do is not a good reason to have a baby. A baby is not a “project” – a baby is a human.
Some relatability!
(At least for me)
The more prepared I was, the less anxiety I had.
I was feeling dejected because the positions I wanted – and kind of felt I was destined for – weren’t having it. I can also be a bit of a brat in general, and this was especially true in my teens and twenties.
People who know me know I really don’t manage disappointment well.
I don’t feel deeply maternal (though I execute being maternal at a high level), and I don’t have a strong yearning to see a little version of myself running around. When I see a really cute baby, or I’ve been picking out a gift for my third baby shower in as many weeks, I can get bummed. But all I need to cure that feeling is to see a troupe of snotty six-year-olds Razor-scooter towards me on the sidewalk and I feel better… the idea that I’ll one day wake up and regret not having kids suggests both that I don’t know myself and that having a child is a rite of passage that everyone should experience. If I do wake up and regret it, it’s not really anyone else’s business.
Some anecdotes!
(On experiencing vertigo)
Traveling with President Obama, I was always hyperaware of my position as a representative of the US government… at the Kremlin, trembling at the top of the steps as the rest of the delegation proceeded down like debutants, I had to get Ben Rhodes to come back and hold my hand so I wouldn’t have to live on the second floor of the Kremlin forever. This also happened at the Great Wall and the Colosseum. I didn’t go up into the pyramids because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get back down. (They have small pyramids, too, which I did visit. The smaller ones are for the ladies, obviously.)
(On Obama trying to get her back together with her ex-boyfriend)
We were all in Miami for a fund-raising trip when they – or maybe it was just POTUS – decided to implement the Get Alyssa Back! plan… POTUS turned to me and said, in his wisest fatherly tone, “Alyssa, this is foolish, You two” – gesturing at me and Doug – “should just get back together. You’re meant to be together.”
(I mean just imagine that in Obama’s voice)
Overall – yes, this book fell flat, so I can’t really recommend it in good faith. But I do recommend her first book with all my heart! And her podcast, and her tweets, and probably her jam.
